The Middle

So by some sort of miracle, I got to spend the next two weeks in my home country. Two very amazing weeks, but also two stressful weeks seeing that I was falling more and more for the Hipster and knew that our time was coming to an end.

During those two weeks, we managed to spend a weekend at his parents summer house. Seeing that summer was over, not many people were around in the area, so everything was nice and quiet. The Hipster is an amazing cook and would gladly walk around the kitchen preparing dinner, while I sat around drinking wine and pulling him in for a kiss every now and then.

But seeing the summer house was also the first time I suddenly began feeling nervous in the not so good way. It suddenly made me realize that the Hipster’s family has money. More than mine anyway. Now, I come from what I would call a middle class family, but I know others would say we’re upper middle class. I’ve never lacked money (of course I’ve been working since I was 15) and I’ve always known that in case of emergency I would have no problem borrowing from my mum. But this was something else. The Hipster had told me a few things about his family (not to brag in any way) that should have made me realize this. But it wasn’t till I saw that house that it really dawned on me. So all of a sudden, I began feeling very self-conscious and constantly fearing that he might at some point think that his money was my main interest.

Before everyone’s (if there are even still followers here) imaginations start running wild, we’re not talking Donald Trump v. homeless person here. No one would ever think that there was a difference in our background or upbringing (honestly I don’t think there has been). And seeing that we work in the similar field and will be having similar salaries, there won’t be a difference in the lives we can lead. In fact, what the whole thing made me realize was exactly how crazy I was about him and how much I feared that some little mistake might end up leading to a huge misunderstanding and cost me the most fantastic man I’ve ever met.

The Beginning

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written that I actually had to read my last “real” post to figure out where I left off. Wow! That seems like a lifetime ago. So I’m sorry if this post ends up being on the long side, but A LOT has happened.

I travelled back to my home country a little more than a month ago. All was well. I was happy with my life in my work country, but at the same time looking forward to seeing friends and family back home. On a night out with a friend, we went to our usual hang out bar. Unfortunately for her, so did a guy she’d slept with 3 months earlier and who things had since gotten awkward with. So there we were, standing outside the bar talking about this guy, when my friend suddenly lowered her voice and said “Be careful what you say. One of his friends just sat down behind us.” So naturally I had to look and… Well…

If I believed in love at first sight, I would say that’s what happened. In stead I’m just going to say that I took one look at this guy and thought “He’s the one for me”. Of course I didn’t do anything about that feeling. I only had one week left and had TG waiting for me and everything. But for the next many hours, all I could do was focus on this guy. Until he finally approached us (most of the friends in that group had come up to say hi to my friend). From that moment it was like the rest of the world disappeared. We talked till 6 AM and then I went home seeing that I had to get up just 3 hours later.

We met up every single day for the next 7 days. From the first night, I told The Hipster (as he shall from here on be named) that I would be traveling and that the smartest thing to do would probably be to just take it slow and keep in touch with no strings attached. From the first night he told me that he didn’t mind the strings. On the 4th evening we were at his place, when things began to get quite hot. I told him we should probably slow down, because I didn’t want to have even more confused feelings than I was already having. He told me that he wasn’t confused. That he knew I had to travel and that he was OK with that, but that he wanted to wait for me as my boyfriend.

After that I called TG and told him it was over between us and that I’d met someone else. He was shocked. I think even more than he cared to admit. He said he was OK with it, but at the same time said things that revealed he had begun thinking about us as a long-term thing. Even though I hated the thought of hurting him it wasn’t a difficult decision for me to make.

By some sort of miracle, a couple of days before I was supposed to leave my boss called me and asked me to stay in my home country for 2 more weeks cause of work. Which meant 2 more weeks of being with the Hipster and getting to know him better. And the more I got to know him, the more right it felt just being with him.

Where to Start?

Just in case anyone was wondering whether something bad had happened to me or if I’d suddenly fallen off the face of the earth, the answer is no. I’m fine and have been fine. But so much has happened this past month that I find it almost impossible to get it all down here in one go.

As I think I mentioned, I went for a 2 week vacation to my home country about a month ago. Just when that time was up, my boss called me and told me to stay for 2 weeks extra due to work.  Tomorrow I’ll be flying back to my work country. My contract runs out by the end of this month and before I left I was planning on prolonging it till next summer. Now I just want to get back to my home country as quickly as possible.

Hopefully there’ll be more time for write once I’m back there. The past 3 weeks have been a hell of a ride for me. I just need to figure out how to put it all in writing.

Uneventful Days…?

I already warned you that not much was happening in my life due to Ramadan and not much is. Or maybe I just see it like that because I have gotten used to only writing about all my doubts or insecurities concerning different men. So here’s a list of things that happened during the past four days. I’ll let whoever is reading this be the judge of whether or not it’s special enough to write about.

Wednesday: TG had told me he wanted to take me out to Iftar (the meal that breaks the fast). This is normally a big deal among Muslims and especially the first week of Ramadan is spent with the family for these meals. Seeing that we had entered the second week, TG was more available and decided we should go out. I’d told him about a special cake I wanted to try that is apparently only made during Ramadan. As always, he called to let me know he was waiting outside the building (parking is a bitch here, so I normally just go meet him on the street). But when I opened the door, there he was standing with a huge box full of not just one piece of cake, but an ENTIRE cake! He then took me to a restaurant that isn’t very fancy, but that I’ve been wanting to go to for a couple of weeks now. Funny thing is – I’d never told him I wanted to go there. It was a complete coincidence! After which we went out for a shisha (water-pipe) and then ended the evening at my place for some amazing bike riding.

Thursday: We met with Sonny and Cher to go out for shisha (all clubs and bars are pretty much closed during Ramadan). In the middle of everything TG said he needed to talk to Sonny about something, after which they left and were gone for over an hour. When they came back it was almost 1 AM and time to leave, so TG and I drove back to my place. Once there, TG remembered something he needed from the car and went down to get it. When he came back, he was joined by Sonny and Cher yelling surprise. I’m going home on a 2 week vacation Friday and this was a small goodbye party for me. We stayed up all night drinking and having fun and didn’t get to bed till around 5 in the morning. And then we did some amazing bike riding.

Friday: We stayed in bed most of the day. I was supposed to go to a baby shower at a colleagues house and TG had a birthday dinner to attend. My ride for the shower cancelled last-minute and seeing that the place was quite far away and it isn’t recommended for women to take taxis alone here that far, I was afraid I’d have to cancel and disappoint my colleague a lot. Except I didn’t. TG offered to drive me there, go to his party and then pick me up. So I went, but felt kind of out-of-place there and was happy when he called a little more than an hour later to say he was coming to get me. Turned out his dinner was over pretty much at the same time as he’d arrived. In stead, he ended up sitting alone in a cafe waiting for me to have had time enough. After that we went to this great restaurant that serves local food and ordered so many different things it was almost embarrassing. But he wanted me to try all his favorites, which I did. Then we went back for some amazing bike riding.

Saturday: We stayed even longer in bed than Friday. We actually didn’t get up till around 7 PM. I had told him that I wanted to go to the local bazar to pick up some gifts for my family, so he said he’d take me. It took us almost 2 hours to get there (without traffic it would have been less than 30 minutes). At no point did TG even seem the slightest bit annoyed about taking me there or the traffic. It was almost midnight before we arrived. Once again, we went to a small local restaurant and tried lots of different foods. Then we walked around the bazar a bit. I would have liked to walk some more, but I could tell TG wasn’t that comfortable there. He gets quite protective of me if we’re in a place with a lot of people. Generally men here won’t touch a woman if she’s with another man. But I still think TG worries about what might happen if there are too many people around. Getting home went much faster and this time I went to bed alone. I had to get up early for work and TG needed to show his parents that he was still alive (btw – it’s almost unheard of here for young people to spend the night away from home and he did get a couple of phone calls during the days from his not so happy dad).

So that’s how I spent my weekend. Having fun, relaxing and enjoying some amazing bikeriding. It might be uneventful, but then I’m OK with having a boring life 🙂

Ramadan and Stuff

If I’ve been kind of quiet this past week or so I apologize. I’m trying to keep up with reading and commenting, but just haven’t been inspired to write anything. There are two reasons for that.

First is that not much has happened in my life. I’m still seeing TG and he’s still being very sweet (apart from a couple of incidences where he acted like a 12-year-old spoiled brat. But I kind of like those times, cause they remind me why there is no future in it for us and keep me from getting too attached). He brought me flowers and took me out to dinner to celebrate our 2 month “anniversary”. And he invited me to join him on a trip he’s planning in February. All very sweet! But then I didn’t hear from him all weekend. Thursday he told me he had practice and it wasn’t until later I realized that he doesn’t have practice Thursdays and Fridays. Also, normally he calls me after practice, but Thursday he didn’t. But for the first time this didn’t bother me at all. I have no idea what he’s been doing, but I have no need to know either. I think I’ve actually managed to reach the spot where I can just enjoy myself when I’m with him, but not really care when I’m not or care whether I won’t be again.

I know for many (especially those with a romantic heart) this probably sounds awful, but it’s actually quite nice for me. Seeing that I’m still not sure how long I’m staying in this country, getting into something too serious would not be the smartest thing to do. Plus, even if I was staying here indefinitely he would still be leaving next summer. So there’s a very long list of reasons why it would be foolish to fall in love with him or anyone else at the moment. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy his company in the meantime.

The other reason that I may be a bit quiet for the next few weeks is Ramadan. Ramadan is the month where all Muslims are supposed to fast (as in no eating or drinking) between sunrise and sunset. For me, that means I can only eat and drink from about 7 PM till I go to bed (which can be anything from 11 PM to 3 AM). I still have to go to work though (we cut two hours off each day), which means that by the time I’m home and by my computer all I really want to do is sleep (and drink water).

So I apologize for being a big bore at the moment. If something groundbreaking happens with either TG or NG (who’s kind of still in the picture) I will of course let everyone know. But for now enjoy life and think of me every once in a while, when you drink your morning coffee or afternoon tea or have a nice lunch 🙂

A Few Thoughts

There seems to be a lot of blogging going around about being interested in more than one person at a time (or maybe it’s just because this is my current situation that I feel like I’m seeing it a lot). It’s clearly a subject that people feel very different about. Here’s what I think:

To me, I can definitely be interested in more than one man at a time. At least up to a certain level. Do I think it’s possible to be in love with more than one at a time? I’m not sure. I haven’t tried it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t think it can happen. People are different and have different ways of responding to their emotions. Personally, I have a lot of extremes inside of me. Some of them go without saying because I’ve grown up with two very different cultures. Some of them are just because I have a lot of different sides to me that you don’t normally find in the same person. Ideally, I’ll find someone with the same combinations as me. But until that happens I don’t think it’s strange that I might be interested in or attracted to different men for different reasons.

At the moment, yes – I am interested in two guys and for different reasons. TG has brought out some sides in me that I always wished were there, but that I simply thought I’d never see. He changed my perspective on many things about living in this strange country. He opened me up to new experiences and is one of the main reasons I will now most probably prolong my stay here. Am I in love with him? No. Could I fall for him? I don’t think so. The age difference (or perhaps more correctly the difference in experiences in life) means that there are some important levels we don’t connect on. But I have to say that he has surprised me positively by turning out to be much sweeter and more caring than I thought he could be.

So aren’t I afraid I might hurt him if I suddenly stop it? A bit, I can’t deny that. His sweetness and tenderness (especially very suddenly in bed) makes me think that maybe he is developing strong feelings. But we’ve talked and I’ve even said specifically that I was afraid of hurting him. He denied this would happen. Not because he doesn’t care for me. But because he doesn’t think about the future the way that I (and most women) do. He takes life a week at a time – at best! He’s enjoying spending time with me now and if I suddenly pull the plug, he might be down about it for a few days, but then he’ll be out again partying and flirting just like before. He’s planning on moving to the UK in a years time to start his masters. We talked about that just two days ago and it was clear that none of us were expecting our relationship to be an issue then. So for now, we’re both just enjoying life and each others company without thinking about what will come next.

Now, even though I’ve never seen TG as someone long-term I wasn’t looking for someone else. Normally that’s not my style. But I met NG by coincidence and felt that this was a person I wanted to get to know better. NG is the exact opposite of TG. He’s my age, has a high education, a good career, has lived in several different countries, likes the same kind of music as me etc. And he’s hot. Like REALLY hot! NG and I have met three times for coffee. All times we’ve stayed talking for three hours non stop. The conversation is good and we’re slowly getting to know each other. However, the fact that he spends most of the week in a different country makes it hard for us to see each other (I could never do the whole going several weeks without seeing each other – at least not in the beginning). Plus, while the conversation has been good, I’m beginning to wonder if he has that crazy side that can make me scream of laughter. He’s very shy and maybe just holding back. But it doesn’t matter if he’s perfect on all other points. If he can’t make me laugh, then there’s no way this could develop.

So yes. At the moment I’m dating TG and slowly getting to know NG. I feel I can do that because TG and I both know that what we have isn’t longterm. And my meetings with NG hardly even qualify as dates. My line goes when things become physical. I would never let things go past one single kiss with NG (but I would try the one kiss… That can reveal a lot) while I’m still seeing TG.

Maybe all this makes me a slut or a bitch or I don’t know what else in other people’s’ eyes. But honestly, I couldn’t care less. This is my life. And I’ve already spent too many years not living it. I’m done with making decisions that will make me think what if. Will I get hurt along the way or hurt others? Probably. But that’s still better than the what if.

How Do You Do It?

I realize very well that I have no reason to complain about lack of male attention. And I know that one day with no contact is absolutely nothing compared to what many others have tried. So instead of whining, I’m going to ask very nice and politely: How the f@€# do you stay patient and wait for a guy to contact you? Preferably without going crazy!!!

From the first evening I met New Guy (who will now be named NG, because it really feels like too late to think of another name now) 16 days ago there has been contact every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! Not always a lot. Sometimes just a handful of messages throughout the day. Sometimes longer text conversations. But the contact has been there.

Except for yesterday. And today. We saw each other Thursday, where he came to my place and we talked for three hours till 1:30 AM. The next day there were a few texts, even with a flirty tone which hasn’t been the norm. I messaged him something Friday and he didn’t answer till Saturday morning, telling me he’d been out all night because there was trouble in a certain neighborhood and he had gone there. I answered, but heard nothing. Saturday evening I heard that things were really heating up in that neighborhood again. Knowing what I know of him, I sent him a message telling him to take care if he went back. He answered me very late telling me he’d been out of town, but that he would be going there later. And then he thanked me for my concern.

I felt embarrassed having revealed that I was a bit worried about him, so I answered him: Ok. Well…I just revealed an embarrassing side to myself. But am glad you’re Ok.

And since then there’s been no contact. None. Whatsoever! I didn’t like it yesterday, but felt Ok seeing that I know he’s working on a big proposal for work and that he was flying for 4 hours. But today… Well, it just feels weird. I feel like he should be the next one to contact me, but am still trying to find excuses to write him. I have no idea if I’m just overreacting or if this is a sign that he’s decided he isn’t interested in me or what. It’s just annoying the hell out of me.

And just to stress how evil a woman I am, TG came over last night and was just about as sweet as they come. We had a really nice time and I can feel I’m relaxing more and more in his company. So yeah. I’m a bitch. I have a sweet and caring guy, who I enjoy being with, yet can’t help thinking about another guy, who I don’t know what (if anything) wants. Someone save a place in hell for me please, cause that’s where I’m heading 😦

Seriously?!

I’m pissed right now. And honestly, it takes A LOT to piss me off!!!

Some stuff has happened that I didn’t blog about. Some weeks ago, when TG had suddenly gone AWOL on me and I didn’t know if I’d ever hear from him again, I started dancing lessons. There was a strong chemistry between the teacher and me and we kissed. Not just the one time I think I mentioned, but after all three lessons I had with him. He made it clear that he wanted to sleep with me. I said no, because I didn’t want to confuse my life further seeing that I still wasn’t sure what was going on with TG. Plus, my teacher was also seeing someone. He told me that they were just sleeping together and that they each had the right to sleep with whomever they wanted. But I made it clear that I wasn’t looking to be anyones fuck buddy. I wanted a real relationship and he couldn’t give me that.

The following week me teacher was sick, so no lessons. In the meantime, TG and I talk things out and I decide to give it a try and to not kiss my teacher again. The next lesson we had was right after my argument with TG (more here). I wasn’t in a good mood and seeing that I said no when he asked if he could kiss me, he clearly felt rejected.

Which was why he sent me a message on Facebook at 5 AM this morning telling me he thought the lessons should stop. Honestly, I was relieved. I didn’t feel like going through the whole “I don’t want to kiss you” every time we had a lesson. Except he just wrote me again on Facebook, saying he was sorry about the earlier message and that it was unprofessional of him to let his frustrations with me get in the way. I accepted the apology. Then he told me that he’d broken up with the girl he was sleeping with. I honestly felt bad. No guy has EVER done anything like that for me and I was really flattered. For a second. Because when the teacher realized that I still wasn’t going to sleep with him, he once again became mad and blamed me for ruining his relationship.

That’s when I got pissed!!! I mean – seriously!?! I never asked him to do that or expected it. And I didn’t even understand why he used the word break up, since he’d kept telling me that they were just fuck buddies. I told him all that and then said it was probably best to stop the lessons. His reaction?

• yea?
• wow
• great
• this is great
• bye
  So I said bye. Then I waited 10 minutes to calm down and told him that I’d made it clear that there were SEVERAL reasons I didn’t want to sleep with him, that his “relationship” was just one of them and that I’d never asked him to end it. SO STOP BLAMING ME!!!
  He hasn’t answered me and I don’t know if he will. Honestly, I hope he doesn’t. I’d rather he was just completely out of my life now. Also, I don’t know if I should tell TG about this. It all happened while he was AWOL and I had no idea what was going on (and he’s apologized to me for that and explained what was going on in his mind while being away), so it wasn’t as if I was cheating. TG told me that he went on dates and went home with two girls while we’ve been seeing each other. But the reason he told me was because he left them without sleeping with them. So in that sense I guess we’re “even”. The reason I’m even considering telling him is because I’m worried that the teacher might somehow show up or in another way let TG know that something happened (I might just be paranoid here). TG knows the girl the teacher was seeing, which is why I’m a bit concerned.
  P.S.
  He just answered me. Here’s what he wrote:
  honest yea, but if you are in a bad mood its ok to fuck with me and fool around, no matter what signals that show or send to me, then you change your fuckin mind without even letting me know, or any fuckin shit, its my fuckin fault i cared for you from the first place and gave you any kind of importance in my life, and took any decision for your fuckin sake, its all my fault you are not to be blamed for shit, its all me. now dont fuckin contact me ever again, you are a bad person indeed, Your money i will send it to you soon somehow when i figure out to do so without seeing you, in the meantime dont fuckin reply me or send anythign else, Bye
  I feel sorry that I apparently hurt him this bad. But honestly… How on earth was I supposed to know? Am I completely blind here? I just don’t see that I did anything that warrants a message like that. I made it clear why I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I mean… Can someone please tell me what’s going on in this guys head? Anyone?

Update(s)

Being the narcissistic person that I am, I’m sure my hundreds and hundreds of followers (or maybe just one or two) have been dying to hear what’s been happening with TG and the New Guy (who I desperately need to find a name for). I think I’ve been waiting to write till I could make some kind of formal announcement about the end with one of them, but that isn’t happening.

Regarding TG, I took the chicken way out and sent him an email saying I was very confused and didn’t know what I want seeing that I don’t see a future with him, but that I am enjoying myself a lot in his company. For the first time since I met him, he actually was the mature one and ended up driving to my place to say goodbye. He said that was all he got from my email, seeing that among the many options I’d written down, continuing as we were was not one of them. Now, the smart thing then would have been to say he was right and just let him go. But who ever said I was smart?

I didn’t exactly say anything. But apparently I looked so sad, that he didn’t want to just leave. We talked. A lot. He wanted to know where all this was coming from. And I was very close to telling him that it’s because I’ve met someone who I can actually see myself with. But everyone I’ve asked warned me against doing that, so in the end it was hard for me to find any clear reasons. I won’t write down all the details of the conversation, but just say that the status right now is we’re still seeing each other. He knows that I don’t see this as something with a future. And he said some things that made me feel like it won’t be the end of the world for him if and when it really does end. So I guess that’s sort of a happy ending.

Regarding New Guy, I did actually see him twice last weekend and then again yesterday. He works in a different country and only flies in for the weekends, so there isn’t a lot of time to work around. I’m a bit confused about him though. We’ve been in touch every single day since we met two weeks ago. And he always ends the day by saying “talk to you tomorrow”. The three times we’ve met we’ve just sat around and talked for three hours and it has been really nice. A couple of our text conversations have been a bit flirty, but nothing I wouldn’t show my mother. Last night he came over to my place and we just talked, but there was no physical contact. Even when he left it was the traditional kiss on the cheek. Not once did he try anything.

So maybe he’s just the biggest gentleman alive out there. I definitely know he’s very shy. Or maybe he just isn’t interested in me. But then why the daily contact? And spending so much of his limited free time with me? He’s made a few indirect comments that let me know he finds me (or women who fit my description) attractive. I’m not used to making the first move. This whole dating thing is more than enough for me, so just the thought of having to take the first step towards a kiss is just too much to handle right now. Would it ever be OK for me to ask him? And if so, how much longer do I wait?

A Sign From Above?

No more than half an hour after I posted the last post did something major happen. TG and I had a fight (well, more like he had a rant and I listened), where he basically ended by saying that maybe it’s best if we don’t continue seeing each other.

It all started because I was supposed to have a salsa lesson and then go out with my teacher and his friends to a salsa club. I told TG about this and said he should come along (he’s been dancing for many years). He had no problem with me going out, but wasn’t sure if he could make it seeing that he was very tired and working on an important paper. But we agreed to keep in touch and figure things out later. Problem with that was that I couldn’t get a hold of my teacher. And when I finally did, he couldn’t really confirm the plans. So they kept changing and I kept updating TG on the changes. In the end my teacher said he’d come to my house, give me a lesson and then leave – no club tonight. So I called TG thinking that would be good news since he was tired and I thought he was just going to stay home (this way he could come over and relax at my place). I was wrong. TG was getting ready to go to the club and surprise me cause he didn’t want to miss my first real salsa night.

But the constant changing of plans got him really pissed and once he’d started he didn’t stop. He told me how he’s felt that things have changed. We had our big talk that ended with him saying he would only be pushed away if pressured. So I’ve crept back a bit to give him his space. Apparently that’s not what he wanted either. He wants me to want to see him and keep asking him over. He just doesn’t want the pressure of having to say out loud whether this is a committed relationship or not. He wants to see how things naturally develop. And as I’ve mentioned, he’s been acting like the perfect boyfriend ever since. Another thing he feels has changed is that I’ve become much more socially active without him, which is true. I think he’s torn on this one, cause his head is telling him that it’s Ok, but his heart isn’t. Long conversation made short: He ended up saying that maybe it would be best if we stop seeing each other. But then he continued talking in a way that makes me think that’s not what he really wants.

While he was talking a million thoughts went racing through my mind. Because he’s right on many, many points. But all I could think of was what if this might be my way out?Could this be a sign from some higher power that now is the time to stop? I just posted about tips to break up and here he was giving me the perfect chance to just say “Ok”. But for some reason I couldn’t do that. And seeing that my salsa instructor was waiting outside I ended up telling him that I’d call him later. He said he’d probably be sleeping and so I said in that case I’d talk to him tomorrow, which was honestly fine with me, cause I had no idea what to say to him.

So I’ve spent the past couple of hours with a racing mind. I know this is completely and utterly unfair, but the fact is that in many ways I do want out, but I want it to be his choice 100% so that I don’t end up being the bad guy. I’ve been trying to write an email to him. I know how cowardly that sounds, but I’m just better at expressing myself in writing. Most of the mail is pretty finished. My only problem is that I can’t decide whether to pull the plug now or whether to be honest with him and say that while I would like to continue seeing him in many ways, I think we should only do so if we’re 100% clear about the fact that this is a casual relationship and that none of us should get too involved.

Rereading my post I can’t help thinking what I’m sure anyone else reading this must be thinking: Why the hell would she even consider staying with a guy, who wants all of the benefits from a committed relationship, but without using the c-word? A guy who she knows there’s no future with because of a number of very important factors. I can’t pinpoint what it is. But the way he kissed me and held med the last time… It meant something. I don’t know what, but it did.